Recently I was aware that I was exhausted all the time. My mood was dropping and everything was becoming too much to bear. It was like clinging on by my finger tips to the edge of a very high cliff edge. However, I did hang on and bore the tiredness until I discovered a rash.
It developed really quickly, one minute it wasn’t there the next it was. My initial thoughts were that it looked like cellulitis which I had in the same place a few years ago for which I was hospitalised for a week. It was quite late in the evening when I discovered it, so it blurred into my fear of the dark, a fear I've lived with all my life.
Anxious wait for a diagnosis
I rang 111 and was advised a doctor would ring me back. I was prepared for a disturbed night, but the doctor rang back quickly and suggested I ring my GP in the morning. It was the first time I'd called the doctor since the pandemic set in and I wasn’t sure whet the procedure was. Again, I was to wait for a call back from the nurse at the surgery. The nurse asked me to send photos of my rash, which was quite embarrassing as it started on my bum!
The nurse diagnised shingles, so I was relieved it wasn't cellutlitis. I'm pretty scared of going to a hospital at the moment, despite having been in and out of them all my life. The nurse prescribed me some medication which we picked up the same day and we were off on the road to recovery. Little did I know how low it would make me feel. Shingles is a painful condition as it runs along a nerve - if you have ever had a pinched nerve you will know what it feels like.
The tablets were ginormous and I knew I would have trouble swallowing them. I remember my mum saying you shouldn’t cut tablets up, but I don't know why. I have great difficulty swallowing following a minor stroke a few years ago so had no alternative but to cut the tablets I had been given.
Time to reflect
We are now emerging from another lockdown and I'm able to reflect on what a difficult period this has been. I was mentally and physically stressed and in pain, unable to control the tears. My confidence, my commitment to work, and not seeing the grandchildren as much as we used too was weighing heavily on my mind. I had become angry with the world. I hated being alive and at some point, just hoped I wouldn’t wake up every morning, so when I did, I was very disappointed.
I have suffered with mental health problems for 34years, so life is never usually easy. I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, and have problems with my mood. Over the years I've become more aware of myself and those behaviours that cause me extra distress.
The times we live in at the moment are difficult for everyone, especially those of us with anxiety. I have a tendency to over think things - the ‘what if’s’ have been taking over my life. But I remind myself that having a nasty virus like shingles would play havoc with anyone's mood.
The cold weather has made it difficutl to get outside, so I've made myself do circuits around the house. Being stuck in has always made me feel bad so I was proactive and got myself moving which really helped.
Reaching out
So on reflection, being physically ill during a pandemic with something other than the pandemic illness has been a difficult time for me and my family. My anxiety has been heightened, my mood has been low and I have lost a lot of confidence. I realised yesterday after speaking to a colleague that I should have reached out more. Just saying good morning and hello to people outside and reconnecting with my friends has really helped. It's been difficult to see people experience Covid-19 and the loss many have suffered, but being diagnosed with another virus has been difficult. But you must reach out and get help to aid your recovery from normal health issues.
Stay safe
Debbie Butler, Patient and Public Involvement, MindTech